Love and Loss

Saturday we celebrated the birthdays of the two leading guys in my life. DH turned 29 and DS turned one! This time last year we were bringing the little guy home from the hospital. 5lbs 10 oz, 19 inches long. 

 

He has been the sweetest, happiest baby I have ever known! He is full of grins and giggles. 

He loves balls and anything with wheels. He can crawl at the speed of light and is so close to walking! His sister is probably his favorite person; no matter how much she bugs him, his face lights up when he sees her. You can tell they will be best friends! 

DH has been an amazing father and husband, and is so supportive to our whole family. He never hesitates to play games with DD or chase DS around, even giving me a break when I need it most! 

Now, on to the "loss" part of this post. As many of you know, we spent Saturday in the ER and found out we have lost the baby (Some birthday, right?!). They are calling it a missed miscarriage, which is defined as follows: 

A missed miscarriage, also known as a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage, occurs when a fetus dies, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue. As a result, the placenta may still continue to release hormones, so the woman may continue to experience signs of pregnancy. A missed miscarriage is usually diagnosed during a routine checkup, where the doctor will fail to detect a heartbeat. A subsequent ultrasound will show an underdeveloped fetus.

This was not the news we were expecting. I have never experienced anything like this before. I really wanted them to say everything was fine and that we were just worried about nothing. That maybe I had imagined or exaggerated the cramps and bleeding. I think it sinks in a little more each time we talk about it, but it's still processing. 

In a way, I'm grateful it happened so early on. We never heard the heartbeat, never found out the sex, or even saw it alive. 

We debated sharing the news of the pregnancy so early, since we usually waited until after our first appt to share with everyone. We wanted to share the news in person with family and we were traveling to visit them right after Christmas. I think sharing the news early has also allowed everyone to share in our loss as well. I think it will be good for us. I would not be as open about the loss if we hadn't been open about the joy. 

The OB/GYN doctor on call gave us the choices on how we could proceed with the news. We decided to take the wait and see approach, to allow my body to naturally finish what had been started. I did receive the Rhogam shot because I am RH negative and DH is RH positive (and has his blood type card in his wallet to prove it lol). He was incredibly surprised we had conceived while I was still nursing but said that breast feeding should actually help the uterus contract as it needs to.

I didn't do a lot for the rest if the day, and for whatever reason, I could not eat or drink anything without feeling sick. I felt fine for the most of the day, and then I would have major cramping. The cramps were similar to the contractions I felt with both the kids. I was giving DS a bath in the sink at one point and the cramping started. I had to kneel down for a minute and let it pass. Just very uncomfortable. I tried to stay on top of it with Tylenol as much as possible. We tried to have a normal dinner and birthday celebration that evening for the guys. 

The next morning, I was trying to figure out if I wanted to go to church or not (maybe showing up late and leaving early because I wasn't ready to really talk about it yet). I decided to have a friend take the kids and I would stay home and rest. I passed the fetal tissue ( I guess you can't really call it anything else at that point) that morning. I scooped it into a container. Maybe that is totally weird or gross but I needed to make sure that is what was really happening. I think it has been helpful for closure. It has solidified the situation for me, this really happened. It looked just like I expected it to, and I won't gross you out with any pictures. I didn't feel right about flushing it down the toilet. I did call the ER to find out if they needed it for testing. They don't, and won't typically do testing on your first loss. They say that most miscarriages at this stage are chromosome related, something didn't happen right and it just wasn't a viable pregnancy. 

Viable or not, it was very real for us. We were excited to welcome another little one into this world. You start talking about which room it will stay in, if you need a bigger car, if you need to save those baby clothes or that play pen. You start talking about names. 

God has given us this opportunity to grieve, find comfort in each other. I would love it if you shared your experiences with us, I know we are not alone in this. According to the statistics, 20% of pregnancies end in loss. My prayer is that God will continue to use us for His divine glory and that no hurt or pain will go unused. And maybe it's too soon, but I'm open to more children if God will bless us with them. 

Bizarro World

I feel like I have been living in some alternate reality for the last week (plus a few days)! So I thought I would share with you some of the real things that have happened because they are too good to keep to myself. 

• We travelled home to see family and broke down at Steak and Shake in St. Louis at 2 AM. The ignition stopped working, and we had no idea how to hot wire a car... 

• Had to take a cab down the street to the hotel, and he "accidentally" got on the interstate instead of driving straight to the hotel. We could see the hotel as we passed it on the ramp! 

• DH left his wallet in the car and I went in to book the room. My card, however, was deactivated due to the Target security breech. Thank you night staff, for accepting cash from the crazy family standing at the desk in the middle of the night! 

• DS was sick and woke up crying every 30 minutes. DD was bouncing off the walls because staying in a hotel is one of the most exciting things she can think of! (I wish we shared her enthusiasm at that moment). 

• The cab driver called around 5am to let us know that my wallet fell out of my purse while we were unloading and he would leave it at the front desk for us. 

• DH had the car towed to a local shop who did not have the part, but did show us how to start the car with a screwdriver so we could get on our way. Really really. Also, the turn signals mysteriously stopped working... And apparently not everyone knows hand signals! 

•I made the mistake of letting DD pack her own bag, which means she had socks, underwear, a gymnastics suit and toys. Now I made a very detailed list for her, using pictures and numbers. She was so excited about this list, I thought for sure she would get it all in the suitcase. It still puzzles me why I did not double check her packing!!! 

• We watched the weather closely and decided to leave early to beat the storms. We mapped out a stop in Indianapolis around dinner time as our last big stop. Choosing Circle Centre Mall so we could eat and walk around a little. Plus it was right off the interstate. Well, it just so happens, the Colts and Chiefs were playing in Indy and we could see the stadium from the mall. Yes, that's right, we drove toward the stadium as the game was ending. (And parking was $20 because of the event.) We ate slowly hoping to avoid traffic. Oh yeah, and the stuff on top of the Jeep did not clear the clearance signs in the parking garage... 

• The attendant at the garage remembered us coming in and only charged us $2 for parking instead of the event parking $20. He said he remembered us because he didn't think we would clear the clearance sign at the entrance. We are not sure how we missed that one but hit the signs in the garage. 

• DS grabbed the nearest bowl full of salsa at the mexican restaurant. The waitress with the thick accent "tasted" the salsa on DS hand to see if he put his hand in the spicy salsa. Not kidding. 

• Our pipes froze due to the cold weather. It was actually the pipe from the well coming to the house from the other side of the duplex. It probably didn't help that the heat tape was not plugged in, the garage was left cracked, and no additional insulation or wall had been built around the pipes... I have a greater appreciation for those who do not have indoor plumbing. 

This has been one interesting week. We also had the pleasure of sharing our good news with family and friends while we were in town. We are expecting a new bundle of joy next August! No matter what has happened this week, God's provision for us has been made clear. There is incredible peace and comfort knowing that He is watching over us, He provides for us, and He loves us more than anything. 

Hanging out at the hotel. 

Kiddos

Our take on brussel sprouts: 

And this little guy is getting taller by the minute! 

Wordless Wednesday

Here's what we have been up to today! 

This is how I feel today...

This pretty much sums up my day! We have been working on getting DS to sleep through the night, preferably by himself. Which means less sleep in our near future and more sleep on the distant horizon. Last week was difficult because he had a bug of some kind and ran a fever from Tuesday morning through Friday afternoon. We had to cancel all play dates and Christmas party plans. 

Snow!

Second snow before Thanksgiving. We are a little too excited about the winter weather here! 

It's been awhile...

I am officially terrible at this blogging thing! It has been so long since I have posted, I am afraid I won't have room for all the things I'd like to say. I have seen a few ideas on little updates I can do each week, and I think i will start doing it. First, lets see what if we can catch up.

• For those of you that I haven't told (I may be addressing an imaginary online audience) I did not pass the Foreign Service test on the first try. I was a few points shy but I am confident I can pass once I brush up on American History. I feel better about it because I will know what to expect going into it next year. I read a lot of advice online on different topics to study, what to memorize, etc. After taking the test, I would say most of the information was not extremely helpful and was not needed at all. Just like most tests I have taken, the answers can be logically deduced if you have an idea of which answers are wrong. So, if I know the 13th Amendment abolished slavery, then it cannot be the correct answer for which amendment is known as the "lame duck" amendment (that is the 20th amendment btw). 
• Another huge change that has happened, we have moved to Ohio. We have taken up a ministry opportunity here and we love it. No matter where we have been, it all feels like home. I think having the immediate support of church family makes it feel that way. I can't imagine what it would be like to move and not have that support. There are still things that cause chaos, like packing nearly everything on the 16' truck only to realize we should have gotten the biggest truck; even though we fit everything on a 16' truck only 9 months prior (proof that our stuff does in fact multiply!). And forgetting the freezer full of milk that we should have grabbed the morning we headed out. Thank goodness M and B were amazing landlords and stored it in the freezer in their basement until we came back through a few weeks later. We are still unpacking things although it has been slow going lately. I really enjoy the space we have here, I don't feel as cramped. We have a dining room now, a garage, and even a room downstairs for DH to store a SMALL amount of musical equipment. 
• That leads to another change that has happened. I will be enrolling in college next fall to finish up my Bachelors. We have just arrived in Ohio so I have more research to complete, but right now it's between Malone and Kent State. I picked next fall because DD will be in kindergarten and I will only need to find childcare for DS who will be closer to two years old. I plan on finishing college debt free, so I also want to make sure I have the time to apply for scholarships and grants before the deadlines pass. Plus, I should qualify for in-state tuition by then. 
• DD has gotten so big, I think she has grown half a foot in the last 6 months. Pajamas she got in February are like capris now! We looked at quite a few preschools in the area before deciding to keep her home one more year. When we looked at the cost, number of hours taught each week, and the Ohio early learning standards, and felt it would be best to do "preschool" differently. We are focusing on learning while at home, and will continue to schedule play dates and involve her in extracurricular activities this year. By not paying for preschool, we can enroll her in classes and have family field trips instead. And I believe she is on target for where she needs to be going into kindergarten. Next year will be the big decision: public or private school. We visited a very nice private school in the area and I loved it. It is exactly what we would want for her in terms of education, environment and everything else. Tuition, however, is quite a bit. We will keep praying about it and see which one is best for our family. 
• DS is growing as fast as his sister! He has four teeth and is starting to be mobile, but not like I would expect. He will roll over on his back, plant his feet, and push down. He will scoot around on the floor like this for a few minutes before becoming frustrated. If babies can have a favorite toy, he loves balls. He is fascinated by them and gets really excited when you hand him one. We are also working on breaking the co-sleeping habit. With the move and other changes, it has just been easier for him to sleep with us but we are ready for a better nights sleep. He has been doing really well, although I am still getting up a few times each night to comfort him. He is also sleeping in the play pen (toy free of course) because he shares a room with DD and I don't want her to wake up everytime he cries.